Key Takeaways
- Limerence refers to a state of attraction marked by intense longing, sometimes described as obsession.
- It goes deeper than a simple crush and can involve intrusive thoughts, rumination, and preoccupation.
- Limerance is more common in the autistic community due to differences in emotional regulation and sensory processing, and a tendency towards intense interests.
Limerence, an emotional state of intense connection to another person who may not reciprocate, is a common experience for autistic individuals. Understanding what you are feeling can help you cope with limerence in healthy ways.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is a term coined in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe “an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and positive regard.”
Limerence can be parasocial and can feel similar to an intense crush, with amplified feelings and difficulty redirecting your thoughts and attention.
Suz Vera Burroughs, MS, Ed, BCTMB, describes limerence as “intense, involuntary fixation on another person.” Many autistic people experience limerence, but it can happen to anyone and can also be common among those with ADHD, PTSD, and other forms of neurodivergence.
Nikki Huijun Li, LMFT, R-DMT, shares that limerence can feel like “obsessing” or abandoning other interests. While this can lead to feelings of shame, Li has found it helpful to “name that experiencing limerence doesn’t make you a bad person.”
How Limerence Appears In the Autism Community
While limerence is not unique to autistic people, autistic traits can predispose one to experiencing it.
- Special interests: Many autistic people have intense interests. When that intensity is focused on a person, limerence can occur.
- Hyperfixation: Autistic people can get stuck on an area of interest, struggling to shift focus to something else.
- Sensory processing: Many autistic people have a drive to seek sensory input, including emotions. Limerence can include romantic attraction, which can be a very positive and enjoyable feeling. This can lead to a drive to pursue that emotion.
- Rejection sensitivity: This is another common experience in the autistic community. For some, it can lead to overcompensating to try to avoid rejection.
As a psychologist and autistic adult, I have supported others experiencing limerence and also experienced this state of mind firsthand.
Cheshire Cat, an autistic adult, describes the experience as “having a special interest that’s a person… with the highest highs and the lowest lows that you have yet to imagine possible.” Cat says that learning about limerence was validating of their experience but also surprising. The feelings are intense, overwhelming, and difficult to cope with.
Andi, another autistic adult, agrees that the experience is “intense and obsessive, like they’re the only thing you can think about.” She shares that it can also come with a sense of shame: “Why can’t I stop?”
When Is It Limerence and Not Love?
Not sure if what you are experiencing is limerence versus a healthy attachment or love? Here are some signs:
- Intrusive thoughts about a person that are difficult to redirect
- Intense feeling of being drawn to the person
- Feeling a close connection when the person has not indicated that this is reciprocated
- Feeling emotionally dependent on the person, even if you have only known them a short time
- Feeling the urge to repeatedly make contact with them, even if they have not responded
These feelings can be intense, confusing, and difficult to regulate. Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way!
How To Cope With Limerence
- Seek support: Burroughs states, “It’s good to talk with someone about the tension between two beliefs: hope that some parts can be ‘fixed,’ and despair that others cannot. Ultimately, that is the wrong frame. The truth is more holistic: We can work skillfully with both our wiring and our wounding. This confusing time can surface a lot of grief and seems to be a stage that’s needed in order to process and prepare for what’s next.”
- Let go of shame: Li shares that limerence can come with feelings of shame about how intense the emotions are or how one’s behavior might change around limerence. Li emphasizes that feeling limerence does not make someone a “bad person.”
- Practice a grounding meditation: Burroughs shares, “One meditation I use for these moments is what I call the ‘open palm practice,’ which I designed specifically for limerence-type feelings.”
Open Palm Practice
- Sit somewhere comfortable and put on something steady in the background: This might be Lo-Fi study beats, ambient gaming music, or any sound that helps you stay grounded.
- Place the open palm of your dominant hand in front of your solar plexus, and gently ask yourself: ‘What does it mean to hold on with an open palm?’
- “This simple exercise reminds me that authentic connection is both mutual and consensual,” Burroughs says. “Fear of abandonment, like a tight grip, can crush what’s delicate. But when we hold with openness, we make space for something far more nourishing to land, and maybe stay, by choice.”
The Importance of Respecting Boundaries
Remember: While feelings of limerence can be intense, it is still not appropriate to cross people’s boundaries. “Morgan,” who asked to go by a pseudonym for anonymity, is an autistic adult who was on the receiving end of limerence. They had joined an online social group and connected with someone from the group in real life, “Skylar.” Morgan said they enjoyed meeting Skylar but did not feel “a personal friendship” from the interaction.
After spending time together, Skylar asked to send Morgan a gift for an upcoming holiday. Morgan agreed, but after sending the initial gift, Skylar began sending Morgan love letters and messaging them on several different platforms. Morgan felt like Skylar had taken “big leaps and assumptions” about the nature of their connection and relationship, including referring to their meeting as a “date” when this had never been discussed.
Burroughs shares an experience being on the receiving end of limerence also: “While I have compassion and so on, it was very intimidating and even frightening. If you’re in the throes of it right now, please take a breath, step back, and calm the f down (kindly),” she says. “Your nervous system may be telling you that this connection is a matter of survival, but that’s old wiring talking.”
Huijun sums it up well: “You don’t need to change the sparks you feel, you just need to change the unhealthy behaviors around it.”
What To Know If You’re Struggling With Limerence
Feelings are valid, even when they are intense. It is OK to feel limerence and struggle to cope with rejection. Know that if your feelings are not reciprocated, this is not a reflection of your worth or that your feelings are wrong. That said, it is also important to respect boundaries.
On the flip side, being on the receiving end of behaviors stemming from limerence can feel uncomfortable, intense, or even upsetting—you are allowed to set boundaries.
If you struggle with intense limerence, regulating your emotional response, and coping with these feelings in a healthy way, a trained therapist who specializes in supporting the autistic community can help.
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