Key Takeaways
- Limerence refers to a state of attraction marked by intense longing, sometimes described as obsession.
- It goes deeper than a simple crush and can involve intrusive thoughts, rumination, and preoccupation, and it can feel all-consuming.
- Anyone can experience limerence, but it is more common in the autistic community due to differences in emotional regulation, sensory processing, and a tendency towards intense interests and hyperfocus.
As a psychologist and autistic adult, I have supported others experiencing limerence and also experienced this state of mind firsthand.
Cheshire Cat, an autistic adult describes the experience as “having a special interest that’s a person … with the highest highs and the lowest lows that you have yet to imagine possible.” Cat says that learning about limerence was validating of their experience but also surprising. The feelings are intense, overwhelming, and difficult to cope with.
Andi, another autistic adult, agrees that the experience is “intense and obsessive, like they’re the only thing you can think about.” She shares that it can also come with a sense of shame: “Why can’t I stop?”
Understanding what you are feeling can help you cope with limerence in healthy ways.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is a term coined in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe “an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and positive regard.”
Many autistics, including Cheshire Cat and Andi, describe limerence as having a special interest in another human. This can be parasocial–feeling strong, and can feel similar to an intense crush, with amplified feelings and difficulty redirecting your thoughts and attention.
Suz Vera Burroughs, MS, Ed, BCTMB, describes limerence as “intense, involuntary fixation on another person.” Many autistic people experience limerence, but it can happen to anyone and can also be common among those with ADHD, PTSD, and other forms of neurodivergence.
Nikki Huijun Li, LMFT, R-DMT, shares that limerence can feel like “obsessing” or abandoning other interests. While this can lead to feelings of shame, Li has found it helpful to “name that experiencing limerence doesn’t make you a bad person.”
Why Limerence Can Be More Intense for Autistic People
While the experience of limerence is not unique to autistic people, it is common for autistics, as autistic traits can predispose one to experiencing limerence. Many autistic people have intense interests, and when that intensity is focused on a person, limerence can occur. They can also get stuck on an area of interest, struggling to shift focus to something else. This is also known as hyperfocus or hyperfixation.
Many autistics also have a drive to seek sensory input, including emotions. Limerence can include romantic attraction, which can be a very positive and enjoyable feeling. This can lead to a drive to pursue that emotion.
Rejection sensitivity is another common experience in the autistic community. For some, rejection sensitivity leads to overcompensating to try and avoid rejection.
When Is It Limerence and Not Love?
Not sure if what you are experiencing is limerence versus a healthy attachment or love? Here are some signs:
- Intrusive thoughts about a person that are difficult to redirect
- Intense feeling of being drawn to the person
- Feeling a close connection when the person has not indicated that this is reciprocated
- Feeling emotionally dependent on the person, even if you have only known them a short time
- Feeling the urge to repeatedly make contact with them, even if they have not responded
These feelings can be intense, confusing, and difficult to regulate. Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way!
How to Cope With Limerence
- Seek support: Burroughs states, “It’s good to talk with someone about the tension between two beliefs: hope that some parts can be ‘fixed,’ and despair that others cannot. Ultimately, that is the wrong frame. The truth is more holistic: We can work skillfully with both our wiring and our wounding. This confusing time can surface a lot of grief and seems to be a stage that’s needed in order to process and prepare for what’s next.”
- Let go of shame: Li shares that limerence can come with feelings of shame about how intense the emotions are or how one’s behavior might change around limerence. They emphasize the importance of remembering that feeling limerence does not equate to being a “bad person.”
- Practice a grounding meditation: Burroughs shares, “One meditation I use for these moments is what I call the ‘open palm practice,’ which I designed specifically for limerence-type feelings.” [Here’s what it looks like]:
- Sit somewhere comfortable and put on something steady in the background: This might be Lo-Fi study beats, ambient gaming music, or any sound that helps you stay grounded.
- Place the open palm of your dominant hand in front of your solar plexus, and gently ask yourself: ‘What does it mean to hold on with an open palm?’
- This simple exercise reminds me that authentic connection is both mutual and consensual. Fear of abandonment, like a tight grip, can crush what’s delicate. But when we hold with openness, we make space for something far more nourishing to land, and maybe stay, by choice.’”
Respecting Boundaries
Remember, while feelings of limerence can be intense, it is still not appropriate to cross people’s boundaries. “Morgan,” who asked to go by a pseudonym in this piece for anonymity, is an autistic adult who was on the receiving end of limerence. They had joined an online social group and connected with someone from the group in real life, “Skylar.” Morgan said they enjoyed meeting Skylar but did not feel “a personal friendship” from the interaction.
After spending time together, Skylar asked to send them a gift for an upcoming holiday. Morgan agreed, but after sending the initial gift, Skylar began sending Morgan love letters and messaging them on several different platforms. Morgan felt like Skylar had taken “big leaps and assumptions” about the nature of their connection and relationship, including referring to their meeting as a “date” when this had never been discussed.
Burroughs shares an experience being on the receiving end of limerence also: “While I have compassion and so on, it was very intimidating and even frightening. If you’re in the throes of it right now, please take a breath, step back, and calm the f down (kindly),” she says. “Your nervous system may be telling you that this connection is a matter of survival, but that’s old wiring talking.”
Huijun sums it up well: “You don’t need to change the sparks you feel, you just need to change the unhealthy behaviors around it.”
Bottom Line
Feelings are valid, even when they are intense. It is easy to feel ashamed or guilty about intense feelings toward another person, especially if they aren’t mutual. It is OK to feel limerence and struggle to cope with rejection, but it is also important to respect boundaries.
Acting on your limerance can be intense, uncomfortable, or even upsetting for the recipient. Know that if your feelings are not reciprocated, this is not a reflection of your worth or that your feelings are wrong.
On the flip side, being on the receiving end of behaviors stemming from limerence can feel uncomfortable and intense—you are allowed to set boundaries.
If you struggle with intense limerence, regulating your emotional response, and coping with these feelings in a healthy way, a trained therapist who specializes in supporting the autistic community can help.
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