“Now, women are looking for something additive.”
As Joan is quick to point out, “not everyone starts off wanting a romantic relationship and then moves on to singlehood as Plan B.” It’s a perspective that’s become increasingly common, so much so that sociologist Bella DePaulo, PhD, built a framework (and wrote a book) about it: being Single at Heart. These are women (including herself) who don’t end up alone; they orient toward it as a genuine preference.
“I still smile when I think about the men I dated when I was a very young adult,” Dr. DePaulo, 72, tells me. “But I remember even more fondly how I felt when each of those relationships ended: finally free.”
The practical benefits of singledom—solitude, strong friendships, fewer relational stressors—aren’t exclusive to unmarried folks. “But in my opinion, couples are never free the way single people are,” Dr. DePaulo says. The difference, she claims, is psychological: the ability to structure a day, a life, or a passing thought without reflexively factoring in another person’s needs or reactions. “A romantic partner is also there in your mind almost all the time,” Dr. DePaulo points out—even if only on the periphery. “That might be comforting for some. But it can also feel a bit unwelcome, as if they’re always considering what their significant other may be wanting or feeling.” Remove that, and your attention and energy become fully your own.
Of course, the ability to choose this lifestyle is relatively recent. For centuries, marriage wasn’t just a matter of romance—women relied on it for financial stability, social acceptance, and a sanctioned path to family, Kris Marsh, PhD, sociologist and author of The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Living Alone in the Black Middle Class, tells SELF. But with greater access to education, careers, and economic independence (along with broader definitions of intimacy, family, and fulfillment), the pressure to couple up has eased. As of 2023, 42% of US adults were unpartnered, according to the Pew Research Center (up from 29% in 1990). And among the non-daters younger than 50, half aren’t interested in a relationship—though enjoying your single status doesn’t have to involve an anti-love attitude.
