- Letting go of restrictive dieting helped break the cycle of bingeing and guilt around food.
- Focusing on body appreciation and sustainable habits led to healthier, long-term changes.
- Including “forbidden” foods and eating regularly reduced cravings and improved food freedom.
It all started with a prom dress that didn’t zip up. I bought it on clearance in a size too small and told myself I’d just lose a few pounds to fit into it. That was my first time really dieting, at the age of 17. I did fit into that dress—and the weekend after prom, I ate so, so, so much food. I would call that my first real binge.
Dieting, or trying to lose weight, was on and off for me from there. I gained some weight at the start of my freshman year of college, which is so common. Probably due to living on my own, no longer playing sports, having access to the cafeteria at almost all times (and frozen yogurt machine!) and drinking more alcohol.
The tricky thing that happens with dieting is that once you lose weight—even if you gain it back—you convince yourself you can just do it again. I vowed to lose the weight by eating only 1,200 calories per day. And I did. Until I gained it back by bingeing on all the food I had restricted as soon as I had a little slip-up.
This dangerous, unhealthy and just plain miserable cycle of restricting and bingeing caused me to slowly gain about 30 pounds throughout my college years, despite the fact that I was studying nutrition. My goal to have a perfect diet, to just lose a few pounds, to think that if I just had more willpower and never ate sweets or pizza—kept me stuck.
I didn’t meet the criteria for binge eating disorder, but I did frequently binge when my “diet” failed. At my worst, I was probably bingeing twice a week. I’m not talking about overeating an indulgent meal and feeling stuffed. I was hiding in my closet, shoveling granola bars, cereal and peanut butter into my mouth as punishment for not being able to be “good” with my diet earlier in the day.
When I was studying nutrition, people often asked me if I ate really healthy foods. I felt like my answer had to be yes, of course. Kale salads, quinoa, salmon, blueberries and 23 almonds at one time—all foods I did eat and enjoy. But my diet also included things like brownies and pizza, and instead of being able to eat them guilt-free, I felt ashamed for enjoying them.
I remember watching someone eat a chocolate chip cookie during a nutrition class and wondering how she could do that. (Funny, because I would never give that a second thought now!) At the time, nutrition felt so black-and-white to me, and I was constantly chasing a perfection that was impossible to attain. While chasing it, I lost some weight, gained it back and then some, and that cycle kept going until the scale went up 30 pounds.
Taking the Focus Off the Scale—and Giving Up Diets
I had convinced myself I would be so much happier if I just weighed a certain amount. The reality was, I had to stop thinking about the scale to start eating better. This wasn’t an overnight change for me; it took a lot of learning and unlearning. Here are some things that helped me recover from the cycle of bingeing and restricting and finally achieve sustainable weight loss:
- Letting go of the secret: Telling my parents and my boyfriend (who’s now my husband) helped remove some of the shame I felt around my disordered eating. I should not have kept it a secret for so long and should likely have sought professional help. It’s worth noting that while I’ve alluded to having unhealthy habits before, I haven’t shared this fully until now. Hopefully, this helps open the door for more people to talk about what’s going on.
- Appreciating my body: When you’re 20, it’s easy to feel invincible. My body had done a lot for me, and it was fairly resilient. Having knee surgery after college—as challenging as it was—helped me focus on what my body could do and made me really want to take care of it, rather than abuse it. I don’t recommend falling down and needing an ACL repair, but I do recommend trying to really appreciate your body for what it can do, rather than focusing only on how it looks.
- Finding exercise without weight loss: You’ll never catch me toiling on an elliptical tracking my calorie burn, ever again. I discovered joy, stress relief, a boost in self-esteem and so much more from exercise when I stopped using it as a way to burn calories. Yoga classes were also key. Hearing instructors say it was OK to take a break or not be able to do a certain pose helped break down a perfectionist tendency in me that carried over into my diet and my life.
- Regularly eating: In order to stop bingeing, I had to stop eating so little during the day. My breakfast has doubled, if not tripled, from what I used to try to eat in college. I focus on protein, fiber and healthy fats—nutrients I know help me stay satisfied and fuel my body. And I almost always have snacks in my bag, so I don’t get too hungry.
- Including “forbidden” foods: Nothing is off-limits for me now. When I was dieting, I would tell myself that it would be the last time I’d eat brownies—and then I’d eat half the pan, thinking I’d never touch them again. That just made me think about brownies all the time and feel guilty the next time I had some. Now, I know that I can have brownies whenever I want. I have some bite-size pieces in my freezer and often forget that they’re there. When I remember and want one, I have a small piece and move on.
- Accepting ebbs and flows: Life certainly doesn’t look the same every week, so I had to stop expecting results or routines to stay the same. Now, I know some weeks I’ll get a healthy dinner on the table every night, and some weeks I won’t. I don’t beat myself up about it anymore. I notice, ask myself what I can do differently and focus on the positive. Maybe I didn’t meal prep because I was having a great weekend with my kids, and that’s OK. The same goes for my body. I don’t own a scale, but I imagine my weight goes up and down slightly because sometimes my clothes fit differently. Instead of guilt or shame, I just try to pay attention and give myself grace.
- Being surrounded by support: I didn’t share my full backstory of disordered eating with anyone outside of my immediate family until writing this now. But I know a huge part of my recovery is that I’ve been around people who don’t use diet talk or food shame. I’m very lucky that I got to work at EatingWell in my 20s and be surrounded by smart women who loved food and never once made me feel bad about what I ate. I have a super-supportive partner, friends and family, and that makes a huge difference. While social media probably isn’t always the best place for body image, I’ve also connected with and been inspired by many other dietitians there.
My Message to You
I don’t want me losing 30 pounds to be the reason you give up dieting. And I know even just mentioning weight loss feels a little taboo. There are no weight-loss guarantees when you stop dieting (or when you’re on a diet, to be fair). Some people lose weight, some people gain weight and some stay the same. It’s been about 20 years since I last binged, and my weight has been relatively steady that whole time—except for during my two pregnancies. I only know that from yearly weigh-ins at the doctor, which is a far cry from stepping on the scale daily and letting it determine my mood.
My college years weren’t all bad. I had fun, made friends and created lots of good memories. But I also know they could have been better if I hadn’t been trapped in a cycle of disordered eating. While I lost weight when I stopped dieting, what I’ve gained has been the most valuable: I don’t stress about meals, I enjoy what I eat, and I no longer punish myself with food.
It’s hard to give up dieting when society is constantly telling us to be smaller. My lived experience will look very different than someone else’s, and I’ve benefited from the privilege of living in a smaller body—even if it didn’t always feel good to me. Stepping away from a restrictive mindset changed my life. If you’re stuck in a cycle of dieting, I hope you find the support and space to heal.
